Pan is a really smart friend. But then she's been through it all. And she's already stood where I'm standing right now. As Pan warned. "As long as everything is OK in the end, I support you."
So what happened yesterday and today? Well yesterday we went to celebrate Winny's birthday at a restaurant in the Waterfront. Over dinner where we discussed a lot of things, I realized something I need to do before I leave for Tampa.
I need to gain weight. People are more meaty there, and you know what they say. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. So by the time I arrive in Tampa (when will that be exactly? Who knows...sometime before July, maybe?), I need to be...more than I weigh now. LOL.
Which means? More protein. I've been recommended to start eating meat (as in ALL animals) for the next couple of months before I arrive there. Should I do it? I'm not sure. But if i want to get started on this magical diet, I'd better get started soon.
Afterwards, we went to Gautam's party. Pan and I promised to do something for Gautam that is horribly embarrassing and funny. I won't say what it is on here...but for those who have dirty minds, censor yourselves (as Esha would say ZZZZZZTTTT!!!). We didn't do anything that bad. We just entertained Gautam with a little comedy.
And afterward? Blow pop.
This morning, I got up at 11 and was lying in bed pretty much all day. But then I attempted to come study at the Cathedral. But let's be honest. I actually came up here to get Szechuan food. Less than $5.00. Enough food to last two days. Enough grease to push the average starving Somalian into Obesity. Blech... but oh so good.
OK here's something that I've been meaning to discuss recently:
My religion.
I was actually talking to someone recently and they started asking me what my religious views are, and I mentioned I was slightly agnostic. At that point, Pan said that she thought I was religious. I found that funny...because I had always thought of people like those hardcore no-doubt priests as being religious. But It seems that EVERYONE is under the impression that I'm very religious. Everyone. Why? Because I do prayers. But let's consider the actual situation.
My parents raised me to be a Hindu. Neither of my parents were very religious before my birth. However, due to the crazy complications and what they consider to be a "miracle" surrounding my survival and recovery, they became very religious.
Was I religious? Yes. Until the age of 9, I had no doubt in my mind that there was a God and that everything fit into some master plan. At the age of 9, though, an event occurred that made me change my mind. Prayers needn't be answered. There is no way that you could convince me that at 9 that I hadn't prayed enough, that I hadn't believed enough. Because on Aug. 20th, 1995 I had really no doubt in my mind that if I kept repeating my prayer that everything would be all right. But by the end of the morning, I knew that that wasn't so. Leaving what?
M. Night Shyamalam's words in Signs (although a horrid movie due to a really pathetic ending) were very wise. In moments of strife, the world is split into two groups. One that sees signs and hope and sees everything as being OK in the end. The belief that we are not alone. And the other group that doesn't know. The group that doubts. The group that feels that we may be alone in the end. Of course there's a third group that consists of people who KNOW that we're alone and who seem to not care much about that. But I think vast majority of people, when in a situation where they want to piss their pants and cry for their teddy bear, aren't cocky enough to say they're in the last group, but fall into the first two groups.
I am a doubter. For me, however much I believe, I can't justify the countless rapes, murders, and crimes that occur throughout the world. The destruction of cultures, and societies. When I was in Uruguay several years ago, I saw a statue commemorating the last of the Chirrhuas, the original inhabitants of Uruguay. They were massacred and only five of them remained standing after the killings. And these five were sold to a circus in Paris. What was the point of this? I can't imagine that somehow this, and everything crazy like this, fits into some grand plan of God's. Even when I dare believe that something good happens for a reason, I can't help but wonder why something fortunate should happen to me, when thousands of young children cry for a tiny miracle to live one more day to only have their prayers disregarded.
So what do I put my trust in? I put my trust in my rituals. My parents ingrained in my head that I should say certain prayers and recite certain things to live a good life and to be blessed. Whatever my feelings for God or a divine spirit may be, I know I love my parents, and I love the people who have done good for me in my life. And if it brings some joy to my father and the spirit of my Mother by doing prayers, then I'm willing to do that.
And it's comforting. It's like my lucky charm. Some people wear a pair of striped socks. Other's tie their shoelaces a certain way. I...say prayers. And maybe that helps. Maybe it doesn't. But I know that when I do it, it relaxes me. It's my little comfort zone. When everything is messed up in your life, and you don't know what to do, at least I know that I have something that doesn't change. I might not know sometimes what tomorrow may bring, but when i recite a prayer, I know exactly what each stanza brings.
Last reason to pray? Because I believe in me. I believe in my power to influence my destiny. And I believe that there is something in me, something that's more than just what physically exists. Something that motivates me and drives me. A soul? Maybe not. Maybe just my ability to do higher level thinking.
Perhaps prayer helps center me and gets me in touch with who I really am. A meditation of sorts. Perhaps it helps me use my intelligence and energy more efficiently? Whatever it may be, if you asked my parents the following question we would have different answer.
"Is there proof in the world of God?"
Dad: Yes. God must exist.
Me: I don't know.
And I apologize for those who do not doubt at all. Who are reassured by their faith. I'm glad you feel that strength. More power to you. But to me, I stand in the dark on this subject. I just do not know.
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