Plus so many exciting things have happened in the past few weeks, that you will LOVE to hear about.
EVENT 1: The tale of the unsuccessful drunk flirt.
This happened last Friday night. Those of you who have spoken to me know how excited I've been for this past weekend because Craig was going to be in town.
Digression -> Craig, Carrie, and I are friends who went to a Drama camp back in State College some time during high school. Although the camp was full of great people, I only really kept in touch with the two of them. Although we all went to different high schools, and Craig was from the NoVa-DC area, we all stayed decently good friends. And for some inexplicable reason, we all ended up in Pittsburgh to go to college. Weird, huh? We have crazy stories like how drunk we were and how frightened I was when we all went to Pegasus years ago. Sigh...good ol' times.
But I digress...
Anyway, Craig was in town and we all went down to Joe Mama's to have a couple drinks. Good times, until some guy came up to me. Although the establishment was a straight bar, it seemed that there were a lot of gay people that night since Point Park University kinda took over the place.
So I'm trying to pay attention to the Penguins game on the screen. It was a replay, but still I had missed some of the best moments of the game so I wanted to catch it. At that point a very drunk guy came over to me. Here is a description of the conversation:
Him: Hi! (bright, cheerful, kinda drooling a bit)
Me: Hey...(distracted, not in the mood)
He sits down next to me, even though I didn't really offer the seat. But hey it's a free country. What do I care? Just don't throw up on me.
Him: So...you go to school around here?
I was thinking, "What the hell?" I obviously do not seem interested. And I'm wearing an f-ing Pitt sweatshirt...and watching the Penguins game intently. What...am I from LA?
Me: No. I'm in town for the night.
I say it with enough sarcasm that he realizes (or should have realized) that I'm a) lying and b) not interested. Cue: Exit stage left. As Pink would say it "Keep your drink, just give me the money. It's just you and your hand tonight".
He however, feels that this is cue for more friendly interactions. He leans a little closer.
Him: So...do you...ya' know. Like...guys?
Boy. I don't know if that's ballsy or really stupid. In some towns in South Carolina he could get into a fight for this. In some towns in Saudi Arabia, he could have his head chopped of. If he was from my town, my father would have burst in out of nowhere and been like "MY SON??? NO HE IS NOT OF THE GAY!"
I glanced around me at the forty other guys who were in various stages of stripping, dancing, or making out with other men while a dozen other females/lesbians marinated in the homosexuality from the atmosphere. I glanced back at him with raised eyebrows?
Me: Who me? No. I'm only into girls. Sorry, Honey! Have a fabulous day!
Ok So I didn't really tell him to have a fabulous day. Or call him honey. But I did tell him I liked girls. I tried to be serious this time. In my head however, a drag queen popped out with the Chippendale dancers in the background singing "It's raining men. Hallelujah!"
Him: Haha...wait so are you seeing someone?
Me: Yes. I have a boyfriend. New guy. Very cute. Buff.
Yes I know. Yet another lie. And it contradicts another lie. That's the problem with lying. I suck at it. Within ten seconds of one, I'm going to contradict myself. Something like along the lines of "I loved going to college in India...University of Pittsburgh is the best school ever!"
If I was really going to be serious about this new lie, I should have told him that my new non-existant boyfriend could tear you a new one but I didn't feel like extending my conversation with him anymore.
Him: Haha...yeah aren't they all?
He obviously didn't believe me. Which is to be expected since I suck at lying. But why the hell won't he leave me alone.
Him: So wanna get dinner or something sometime?
What the hell was going on? How do guys not get the hint around me? Like why would I shut you down for every single question, if I was interested? That's not cute! That's not fricking endearing! That's you being an idiot. God.
Me: Sure!
Him: Really?
Oh. So you start questioning my answers now?
Me: My god. I thought you were just taking the opposite of everything I said.
I was aggravated beyond belief and went back to talking to Craig. The guy was laughing and went back to his friends and kept on pointing to me every couple of minutes. What the hell.
Aesop's fable Lesson: He who drinketh a lot, getteth not the sarcasm. And fucking getteth not when he's being turned down.
Event 2: How much of an Ass can I make myself in front of my friend's "gulp"?
So my friend brought his female friend over on Friday. We were all supposed to go watch Slum Dog Millionaire, but at the last minute I decided against it. It could be because I didn't want to actually get up and travel that far into squirrel hill. Or maybe I didn't want to play third wheel with my friend's errrr....
So finally though we all decided to go to Joe Mama's together. So while we're traveling on the bus, my friend starts teasing his ______. At that point, she turns to me and says "See what I have to put up with." And I said "Don't worry, we'll gang up on him by the end of the night." We high-five each other.
And then I opened my god-forsaken mouth.
"You know it's tradition in our house, whenever someone bring their boyfriend or girlfriend..."
I freeze. I not only freeze. But my eyes get all wide. Like deer in the headlights wide. Like "Princess-Jasmine, this-would-be-cute-if-I-was-on-a-magic-carpet" wide.
Like Analogy
Wide: My eyes :: Long: John Kerry's Chin.
Get the point?
My friend turns his head to the right. The unnamed relationship female stares straight ahead. And I? I have a million thoughts running through my head.
"Fuck Hari! They're not dating yet! You made it awkward! Just finish your statement and move on!!!!"
But what was I talking about? Hell if I could tell you. There were several thousand monkeys in my head throwing bananas at typewriters, and expecting eloquent poetry to come out. And I was taking my cue from them.
"Mftsq? DRRRRRRRR" I whispered under my breath.
I prayed for something crazy to happen outside, like a lightning storm or for a naked man to run out onto the sidewalk. I NEEDED a distraction. We all know how my prayers are at being answered. I don't know exactly how the situation resolved itself, but I remember saying something that was about as witty as "I like buses".
The evening only progressed to a further state of awkwardness when Craig came up to the table and asked my friend and his (ahem) how long they had been dating. Awkward looks.
At least they're dating now. Saves me from future episodes. And god know, that I would make another episode.
Okkkk...I'm going to go study. But more events tmrw!
No comments:
Post a Comment